PDA

View Full Version : CHAPTERS 2-3 of my book :)



Snrm
12-18-2008, 11:00 PM
yes i posted chapter 1 and now i have chapter 2 and 3 out which are farely long!!
http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=ddfqctch_7hkqz5fgs
WARNING; CONTAINS VIOLENCE AND STRONG LANGUAGE

please grade me on a score 1-10
dont grade me on grammer but quality!
only point out grammer if it completly doesnt make sense like
Like
I doesn't like pie.
:p

Thank you. the new section i made starts on chapter 2. but if you didnt see my before thred read chapter 1 :)
btw real title isnt called Eternal its temporary until i find a new better name for it

Marino
12-18-2008, 11:54 PM
Just a top from a fellow writer:

At the exposition, or when you are giving background information about Matt: Show us. Don't tell.

For example, instead of writing:

"Matt Reed was 24yr old worker at an airplane factory but he quit the job to start a new life. He always wanted to write books or be a journalist. That is another reason why he wanted to go to this island; he wanted to find anything there that would be useful to write about."


SHOW us Matt looking at some pictures from his past, to imply that he used to work at an airplane factory. Have him sigh, reminiscing.

SHOW him struggling to write but struggling for inspiration.

Other than that, you have a very nice story going. I am not one for war stories, but I haven't seen any plot holes so that's a plus. :)

Snrm
12-19-2008, 12:14 AM
thanks.
yes i know now it doesnt have a story but the story gets really good i planned the next 3 chapters in my head but just need to write it. and i will take your advice on being more descriptive and taking it into the real picture like you said with the airplane factory :)

Whalio Cappuccino
12-19-2008, 12:26 AM
Well, since you asked for no grammar corrections. I'll ignore them. As for the story, it's pretty good.

One thing I ask though, this Matt guy seems to be a super hero, and I don't believe you want him to be one. For example, Matt seems to know the exact distance from the soldiers, the exact distance from the island, able to swim extremely well, able to see well in the dark, etc...

I mean I know you explained why he was able to do all these things, but give the character some human traits, make him weak at some stuff. I would take out the distance stuff, as I'm pretty sure no human can see really far away and be able to calculate that it's exactly 2500 ft. Instead, have it say something like " Matt could see, in the far distance, about a dozen or so soldiers heading his way..."

Other then that, you have a good story going on here. Can't wait for Chapter 4!

Snrm
12-19-2008, 12:48 AM
well matt doesnt know the distance, its preety much if you will the narrator saying it. but i see how you could think that.
oh jeez if you think he is super hero now get ready for chapter 4 XD

Reshin
12-19-2008, 03:24 AM
This is just me, but Immersion still needs work. Needs character relation, build up suspense, have some forshadowing...Something that will make it more of a story instead of an overview of an action movie... you really have quite a story, first a group of frenchies, now a child-soldier...