View Full Version : Knife Leg the Panda Strangler: An Epic Tale

03-21-2009, 03:04 AM
Warning the following story may not be suitable for viewers who hate knife legged panda stranglers.

Critics rave that Knife Leg the Panda Strangler: An Epic Tale is "super duper awesome" and "dude there was this one part where there was a huge explosion and it went kaboooooom! but knife leg the panda strangler just stood there lookin all cool and didn't even get hurt". This is:



Chapter 1: Pandas are mean

Humans. For ages, they thought they were safe from the dumb animals of this planet. Little did they know it would be their undoing. They had tainted my existence for as long as I can remember. It started with my parents. They were in China promoting their new technology that could fuse humans with objects instantaneously to make humans smarter, more powerful, and less useless. A panda cub came along and stumbled upon one of the devices on the ground and....fused itself with a nearby rocket launcher. I survived the incident, but my parents weren't so lucky. This didn't spark my hatred for pandas, though. Pandas are just stupid animals right? Wrong.

Years later, we lose contact with China and our economy plummets. We send agents over to investigate. Then the bombs came. Secret Chinese bombs came plummeting from the sky like birds if you got a bunch of birds up in a group and poisoned them all and then they exploded when they hit the ground. So few survivors. Only a few days later did we find out who was behind it all...the Pandas.

So here I was with a couple of survivors around a camp fire and the dirtiest man asks:
"Knife Legs...How did you get your knife legs?"

Heh. People always ask that question. The technology my parents have been developing. I used one of the devices to fuse myself with another copy of the same device, so I don't have to have it on me to fuse myself with stuff. A couple of burnouts thought it was cool to comment on everybody who passed them as they smoked their cigarettes in the parking lot of the school they've never gone to. The next day when they did it to me....well let's just say they never had the opportunity to do it again...


03-21-2009, 03:10 AM
lol nice.....

03-21-2009, 09:13 PM
Chapter 2: Hamsalad gets pwn'd.

After we all told our stories around the fire, we went to sleep in tents we salvaged from Johnny Donut's house. I woke up to the sound of ferocious roars. No! The pandas couldn't be here could they? I went to go check, and sure enough the pandas were here, and had eaten poor Johnny Donuts.

I sprung into action. I grabbed the first panda and strangled it. Then I did a double back flip and sliced all the other pandas into little pieces. Now I wouldn't have to go hunting.
"I surrender!" said the panda general.
"Ha! Why should I spare you?" I laughed.
"Because I can...I can help you stop this!"
"How?" I asked.
"I...I can take you to our leader!"
I thought a minute, then decided to let this panda help me. I followed him for quite a while until we got to a big hollowed out tree. We stepped inside, and it turned out it was an elevator. We went down.
"...but there's no one here!" I said, looking around I saw nothing but some lunch on the table.
"That's him." The panda said, pointing to a salad on the table.

How dare him! Salad...I knew it! Salad, the word screams evil. I approached the salad.

"Why are you killing people?!" I asked the salad. No reply. I asked again. No reply.

I punched the salad. I got ham and mayo all over my hand.

"****** salad! ANSWER ME!" I punched him again. This time the plate cracked.

No reply...

Then pandas rushed in with assault rifles. Was this a set up?

03-21-2009, 10:39 PM
lol haha. that was pretty good

03-22-2009, 01:31 AM
how are you replying ham salad? You got punched in the face until the plate broke!

03-23-2009, 01:44 AM
Chapter 3: Pandas are Communists

I was rushed into a room by 20,000 pandas behind me. Suddenly they got eaten by a giant sludge monster that poofed into existence for two seconds. There was a man sitting in a red chair, hiding behind his desk. He was fat.

"So...mister Panda Strangler...what brings you here?" He asked. I saw his mustache was actually a piece of spaghetti with googly eyes.

...Spaghetti killed my uncle. The poor guy was just trying to enjoy his spaghetti, but he...he swallowed too much. It got stuck in his throat. He choked to death... Ever since then I've had a rough relationship with pasta...

I punched this guy in the nose. Chocolate covered strawberries poured out his nostrils. He cried tears which hit the floor then turned into sprinkles. Then he Krmshploded. Then he unkrmshploded. I grabbed him by the shirt, punched him in the shoes, and asked him:
"Where's Perducci?!?" Perducci is the Lord of Pandas.
"I-I don't know! I swear!" he said. I punched him in the gut. He threw up wood chips.
"WHERE'S PERDUCCI?" I shouted. I spit in his face and he threw up some more wood chips.
"Okay, okay! Perducci is LittleBigPlanet! You just need to enter the secret cheat! I have a copy down in the basement!" He said. He krmshploded again. I glanced at his name tag. His name was Don.

I walked down some raisin steps and shouted quite loudly "LBP!" The game came to me and ripped itself in half. There was Perducci. I did a double side-winder swirling kick, but he just grabbed my knife legs...His power was unmatched.

"Heh, nice try, Knife Leg!" he said. Then he threw me all the way into a small Dojo in Mount Everest. If I am to defeat Perducci, I must train with these people.

03-23-2009, 01:48 AM
lol. that is pretty random

03-23-2009, 02:05 AM
... my IQ just dropped several points.

03-23-2009, 10:29 PM
Chapter 4: Panda: The Galaxy Avenger

Sometimes, when I'm asleep in my dojo, I look up on my Katamari and shoot the king of the cosmos. He'll burp me a hiccup. Ow.

This morning I began my training. Master Dong Jong Trong taught me the way of the blade, the fist, the knife, and gave me the magical scroll of Tang Fu. The Tang Fu scroll gave me the secret dragon super power. I was so happy. Now I had to hunt for the 12 Crystals of the Broken Spirit. I climbed a giant mountain. There stood before me a lima bean, big and strong.

"Ho ho ho! What brings Knife Leg Panda Strangles to my mountain cave!" Lima Bean Jones said.

"It's lunch time Lima Bean. Today on the menu: PAIN!" I said. Suddenly Lima Bean shot laser beans out of his eyes. Rocks collapsed blocking my entrance. Curses. There was only one way out now. I had to defeat this rapscallion. I tried to cut him up with my knife legs, but he was too big. It was like trying to cut a really big lima bean with a really small lima bean. I got hit by a laser bean. I was injured bad...but then, I remembered something. I still had my Katamari in my back pocket! I got it out and started out small, rolling up small rocks and really big bugs. Then I rolled up some laser beans. Finally, I could roll up the nincompoop. When I did he krmshploded and spit a star. I collected it and beat the level.

Now I only had to defeat the 7 crystal rapscallions and save the day from Perducci to stop the evil panda invasion.

03-29-2009, 04:00 AM
Lol, it hardly makes any sense. Good still :p

EDIT: Are you going to make any more?