Various Nonsensicals

E3 Recap: Sony/Playstation

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The Playstation event begins proper with an orchestra playing the theme from God of War, a tune so memorable, nobody knows what it is at the time. This reaches its apex when a woman beating a drum accompanies her fellows with what many consider to be a skilled vocal performance. However, reports later reveal that she had something stuck in her throat at the time and was actually in very real danger of asphyxiating. Fortunately, she was able to dislodge the obstruction in time.

The crowd goes wild at the appearance of Kratos onscreen, something they should have already been clued in to with the aforementioned musical opening. We can excuse this though as they were likely transfixed by how classy the Sony presentation was, what with its orchestral accompaniment and stage with actual curtains.

But Kratos isnít alone. He is now accompanied by his beard, no doubt inspired by the creative lead of For Honor. Oh, and he also has a sidekid. More specifically, his son, because fatherhood went so well for Kratos the first time around. We can only surmise that the boyís mother is not around because she once mildly criticized Kratosí former goatee or something.

Having already taken down the Greek Pantheon and generally mucking things up on that end, Kratos now finds himself facing creatures of norse mythology. Other than that, not much seems to have changed. The kid is there, but is generally useless. His crowning moment is when he successfully shoots an elk (on his second attempt no less), for which he is clearly very proud of himself. Kratos, having near single-handedly killed a giant Troll not minutes before, has no patience for this and prompts the boy to finish the job. This also, the boy cannot do, so Kratos is forced to help him as well as perform other cliche ďIím a jerk, but I also love youĒ moves, such as the ďalmost comfort but stop at the last secondĒ technique. There is also a dragon, which after having seen the many beasts of greek myth in previous games, is actually kind of dull as far as creatures go.

God of War seems to be the playstation response to calls for a new Red Dead Redemption, except Sony assumed that any game where the father figure dies partway through and the player then finishes the game with the son taking up the legacy will suffice, rather than making a good game or something.

Then we switch over to Days Gone, the story of a drifter in the post apocalypse with nothing to lose because he already lost it in the apocalypse. Same old same old. What makes this notable is that it is a bit reminiscent of the Last of Us, only it replaces solid writing and strong, three dimensional characters with even more zombies. I mean, it has all of the zombies. So many, it makes you wonder why this idiot thinks stopping in order to shoot at a few of them is a good idea. For some reason, this is also the game Sony uses to close its show, with the final shot being the protagonist surrounded by oncoming hordes. He must be from Tallahassee, because thatís the only way heís getting out of that mess without a deus ex machina. Or theyíll just use a deus ex machina.

The Last Guardian gets a release date of October 25, so be prepared to cry more tears than there were zombies when bird dog has to die. Or worse, you have to kill him. I wouldnít put it past that kid to have a shotgun and a barn he can call bird dog behind.

Then we have a trailer for Guerillaís game of Not Killzone, Horizon: Zero Dawn showing the protagonist, who does not believe in demons, proceed to fight and capture giant robot dinosaur animal beast things. Artemis shows herself to be quite handy with a bow, but not all that great at robot animal companionship.

Then the robots look like humans in Detroit: Become Human. Connor, an android, acts as a negotiator in an alternate post apocalyptic world where humans spend so much time on social media that they need androids to interact with others for them. This game doesnít have much to bring to the table except allowing players to try sequences over and over again, something autosaves and resets have allowed us to do for years. Buy Not Quite Human: The Game because Conner talks to the camera.

Then we have Resident Evilís answer to Silent Hillís P.T, only it is a regular trailer instead of arguably one of the most intriguing horror games of this generation. Cue bugs and other such things found in the average college studentís home and there you have Resident Evil 7: biohazard.

This kicks off all the new VR announcements, including the Playstation VR being released on October 13 for $399.

Some of the games they show for VR include space first person shooter FarPoint, a first person shooter in space.

Then there is Star Wars Battlefront: X Wing VR Mission, presumably with even less satisfying content than regular Battlefront.

Then things take a detour as the crowd is treated to a monologue from The Joker. People are satisfied by this and, upon finding out that this was actually associated with a game called Batman: Arkham VR, feel that the game will be a nice cherry on top of the Hamill performance.

Square Enix then presents Final Fantasy XV and Final Fantasy XV: VR Experience, featuring Final Fantasy characters doing stupid final fantasy things while looking even more ridiculous than usual (were that possible) because of the VR headsets they wear. There were no reports of Kingdom Hearts characters doing stupid Disney things.

Then there is more space stuff in space with people shooting stuff in space. At least it isnít Call of-Oh my god itís Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare. Hmm. Imagine that. But donít get too cocky you CODfish. Looking slightly more interesting than the average Call of Duty isnít saying much.

Now Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, that was a pretty good Call of Duty game. And since money is nice, why not re-release the crap out of that?

Speaking of re-releases, Crash 1, 2, and Warped are all announced for HD Remasters in the future. Crash will also be appearing in Skylanders. Though heís not such a big name that he getís his own dedicated announcement, so players can also create their own skylanders now.

Sony hopes everyone has seen The Force Awakens, because they spoil the hell out of it with scenes that play in such a way that it makes you wonder why you arenít just watching the movie itself. Whatís that Lego Star Wars: The Force Awakens? Your scenes are slightly sillier versions of the original? Well it was a lot more charming when they knew how to not talk.

ďExperience the whole adventure in two weeks.Ē And by whole adventure, they mean just this one movie, as opposed to the entire trilogies they would release back in the day when their characters knew how to shut up.

Then Hideo Kojima occurs (no, I do not mean appears. He is now a phenomenon that occurs) and a path of light forms behind him as he strides confidently forward to flip off and thrust his crotch repeatedly back and forth in the general direction of Konami grace the fans with the first game from Kojima Productions. This turns out to be a game starring Norman Reedus and a fetus and it isnít P.T. This is better because Norman Reedus is naked crabs?

Death Stranding is actually still inconsequential nonsense at this point with little to nothing of value having actually been shown, but fans overlook this because it is Hideo Kojima game vaguely reminiscent of the thing that they liked. It was also a good thing Norman Reedus was alone, otherwise he would have repeated the last word of his companionís statement in the form of a question, prompting an hour long exposition fest peppered with vaguely philosophical gibberish.

Finally, Insomniac is making their own Spiderman for PS4. Good for them not letting the fact that they probably canít make game that even matches the one for Spiderman 2 stop them.

Yep. Thatís the barb Iím closing with. If Sony can close with zombified zombies, I can end with whatever I want.