BG1, PRELOAD BG2, PRELOAD

Results 1 to 8 of 8
  1. #1
    I am the Walpony? Neighh! Astrosimi's Avatar
    Points: 15,066, Level: 37
    Level completed: 27%, Points required for next Level: 584
    Overall activity: 0%

    PSN
    Astrosimi
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    The RainShine State!
    Posts
    1,768
    Blog Entries
    5

    Default Need some feedback on this essay, ASAP :D

    So I'm writing an essay about my goals and aspirations. The main prize is a scholarship to any Florida university. So, I want this to be my shining moment. Therefore, I want you more experienced gentlemen (Ladies?) to criticize. Have no mercy at all. I need this to be perfect.

    Spoiler Spoiler - Brace yourselves!
    Last edited by Astrosimi; 01-19-2010 at 07:57 PM.

    Quote Originally Posted by Killian
    When I come to power, every Tuesday will be pancake Tuesday.
    Quote Originally Posted by George Harrison
    Rap music is just computerized crap. I listen to Top of the Pops and after three songs I feel like killing someone.
    Ultimate Bundle courtesy of Zwollie. Thanks man!

  2. #2

    Default

    Pretty good! Great use of grammar and punctuation! Can't think of anything to add really... make it longer perhaps?

  3. #3
    I am the Walpony? Neighh! Astrosimi's Avatar
    Points: 15,066, Level: 37
    Level completed: 27%, Points required for next Level: 584
    Overall activity: 0%

    PSN
    Astrosimi
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    The RainShine State!
    Posts
    1,768
    Blog Entries
    5

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Leather-Monkey View Post
    Pretty good! Great use of grammar and punctuation! Can't think of anything to add really... make it longer perhaps?
    Well, it's 450 words; the max is 500, but I guess I could fit something in there. Can't think of anything now, but I'll probably think of something. Thanks for the feedback!

    Quote Originally Posted by Killian
    When I come to power, every Tuesday will be pancake Tuesday.
    Quote Originally Posted by George Harrison
    Rap music is just computerized crap. I listen to Top of the Pops and after three songs I feel like killing someone.
    Ultimate Bundle courtesy of Zwollie. Thanks man!

  4. #4
    Sackperson Sergeant
    Points: 27,085, Level: 50
    Level completed: 54%, Points required for next Level: 465
    Overall activity: 11.0%
    7 days registered 5000 Experience Points 1000 Experience Points 500 Experience Points 250 Experience Points
    PSN
    Syroc
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Malmö, Sweden
    Posts
    3,461
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default

    it’s workings.
    That should be "its workings"

    I will enroll in the International Baccalaureate program at a local high school. The IB program at a local high school.
    Redundant?

    All scientists share a silent oath of ethics; they should always
    If and when I do succeed, even then, I may not make any significant discoveries; I sure hope I do, but either way, and in the end, it’s all just about being part of the universal effort to chart the final frontier.
    Consider revising.

    /polishes grammar nazi badge


    As for the content I think you captured well what everybody is going to write. In other words there is no unique selling point. I don't whether you need or even have one, but if you do I would add it.
    But yes, overall it's well written.

  5. #5

    Default

    Syroc, your grammar nazi badge is rusty!

    It is said that the advancement of the of the human race depends on the amount of knowledge we posess.
    It is also said that space is the final frontier. And so, two years ago, I decided on a scientific career in the stars; Astronomy, the study of the infinite universe.
    Not sure on the use of pop references here in a serious letter, though I'm not the one to judge. Also, it's unwise to start a sentence with "And", it often looks tacky.

    I aspire to reach a stable, paying career in astronomy for many reasons, and those reasons are mainly rooted deeply in my childhood.
    A bit clunky. "mainly rooted deeply" specifically sounds a bit off. Try reading this sentence out loud. Maybe "and the majority of these reasons are deeply linked to my childhood..."?

    Since my youth I have always been fascinated by what’s beyond our planet. I have asked myself questions such as, “Are we alone?”, or, “What else could be out there?”. I have watched the Discovery Channel in my youth, and I still do.
    My self-imposed 60 seconds rule applies here - Repetition, deviation, hesitation. Here, it's repetition - perhaps, "Since my youth...I watched the Discovery Channel since I was an infant"? Also note that formal letters should not really use abbreviations (hence I've changed I've to I have), that's slightly more colloquial. Also, I don't think that comma I've highlighted should be there, the ? in the quotation sorts it out.

    In recent Christmases, I’ve received series of books and movies relating to the aforementioned field of science. And subsequently, my interest in astronomy was solidified after reading famed astronomer Carl Sagan’s “Cosmos”, a complete chronicle of the current knowledge we posses of space and it’s workings.
    I've->I have. No ands after a full stop. Should be and, subsequently. Not "and subsequently". You get the idea


    Reaching my goal will not be easy, but I have a plan prepared. I will enroll in the International Baccalaureate program at a local high school. The IB program at a local high school. The IB program has a 50% chance of earning a student a scholarship, with that chance rising as the student shows more promise and potential.
    Remember the Repitition Deviation Hesitation rule I mentioned earlier? Repetition here. IB program is said 3 times, and one of the sentences, while not even technically a sentence, is unneeded.

    Working hard enough, I will hopefully receive a scholarship to Cornell University, which has one of the best, if not THE best, astronomy programs in the country.
    I'm not sure on the technical letter-rules-of-etiquette, but in my opinion emphasis through anything like capitals, bold text, etc. looks tacky. Perhaps "Which has arguably the best astronomy program in the country."

    There, I will strive to attain degrees in astronomy and astrophysics, preparing me with the qualifications needed to commence a career in the field. An ambitious plan, indeed, but nothing is impossible once you set your mind to it.
    Too presumptive - make it clear this is your plan you are talking about. "If I achieve this goal, as I hope to, I will strive..." Also, I would consider making it "An ambitious plan indeed, but I believe that nothing is impossible..."


    But in the end, one thing is certain - a scientist never works for the money. Sure, it is a nice, added benefit, but the pursuit of answers is driven by the mission to increase all of mankind’s knowledge of the world around them.
    Note the dash. Also, remove the But from the start, it's the same as I say with And. Consider using However,... . I think there's also a conflicting conjugation with "mankind's" and "them". Mankind is singular, them is plural. "Mankind's knowledge of the world around us." would be better.

    As an astronomer, my never ending mission would be to share my knowledge with the world. All scientists share a silent oath of ethics; They should always make their discoveries and research public, and they should never falsify or alter information.
    You're off the hook here.

    By sharing whatever scientific information I may know or discover, I hope to expand humanity’s knowledge, and facilitate exploration, of the vast universe.
    Remove the last comma. Perhaps change "the vast" to "our vast".

    My goals are ambitious, and my mission to succeed is not an easy one.[color=pink] If and when [/pink]I do succeed, even then, I may not make any significant discoveries; I sure hope I do, but either way, and in the end, it’s all just about being part of the universal effort to chart the final frontier.
    If and when sounds off. "If I do succeed, as I hope I will, even then...". Note the highlighted comma. "but either way, and in the end" is very clunky. "I sure hope I do, and either way, in the end, it is really all about.."

    Note the removal of "just". "Just" makes the universal effort sound dumbed-down. Also, in a letter about astronomy I'd recommend using "global effort" instead of "universal", as that has other implications.






    There you go, blow by blow. Oh, also, for the love of God add proper paragraphs! Put a line between each paragraph, and indent them.

  6. #6
    I am the Walpony? Neighh! Astrosimi's Avatar
    Points: 15,066, Level: 37
    Level completed: 27%, Points required for next Level: 584
    Overall activity: 0%

    PSN
    Astrosimi
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    The RainShine State!
    Posts
    1,768
    Blog Entries
    5

    Default

    Wow, guys I am currently correcting those as we speak. Those are huge.

    For some reason the formatting didn't carry over when I copy-pasted, but I can assure you I Enter/Tab'd my paragraphs

    EDIT: Finished revision. It brought me to 447 words- 3 short from the max. Also, I'm not sure what you mean by "You're off the hook." in your post. As in, off topic?

    If you guys want me to post the current version, tell me so and I will.
    Last edited by Astrosimi; 01-21-2010 at 01:12 AM.

    Quote Originally Posted by Killian
    When I come to power, every Tuesday will be pancake Tuesday.
    Quote Originally Posted by George Harrison
    Rap music is just computerized crap. I listen to Top of the Pops and after three songs I feel like killing someone.
    Ultimate Bundle courtesy of Zwollie. Thanks man!

  7. #7

    Default

    I said You're off the hook because it was the one sentence there wasn't an error on Not sure if it's just "an English expression" but it means...you get off scot free? Or is that English...um...no ramifications.

  8. #8

    Default

    Post the current version.

    In a way, i'm almost sad..the final frontier, as we currently know it, is very empty. It makes me wonder...

    What if Theodore Roosevelt were our president now? I think he would've simply DROWNED NASA in funding so we could learn all there is to know about this final frontier.

    Or he wouldve had us taking over the world. Either way, America wins.

    Sig by Rotten Avacado!

    The Console Wars have started again! Join in here: http://www.lbpcentral.com/forums/sho...Asign-up%21%2A

    What do YOU want the site's theme song/trailer song to possibly be?! Go here and vote so I can get to work:http://www.lbpcentral.com/forums/sho...d-by-WESFUN%29

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •